Welcome to The Nest. We are so excited to start this adventure and appreciate you reading our very first blog post!
One of the most common questions we are asked is how to help with anxiety in young people. Even though we, as humans, are the safest we have ever been, we are also the most anxious we have ever been. There are competing theories about why this has happened, but something that most experts agree on is that the advent of the smartphone has contributed to the growing number of anxious kids. For more information on this please see the article by Jean Twenge: that was printed in The Atlantic. I also want to thank Lynn Lyons for her masterful trainings and immense knowledge about anxiety.
So what does anxiety want? Why is it so strong and persistent? Anxiety wants CERTAINTY (I have to know what is going to happen) and COMFORT (I need to feel comfortable and safe or I am out of here). Most parents, and other adults in the anxious child’s life, work to reassure and provide certainty. They make accommodations and participate in the avoidance of anxiety producing situations. While this is helpful in the short term, it does not allow for the child to practice the skills that they need to manage their anxiety.
It is most helpful to see anxiety as a process. When we get bogged down in the content or subject matter of the anxiety, we start to do the disorder. There are ways to help your kids start to address the BIG PICTURE of anxiety. There are certain patterns that keep people in anxiety: Rigidity, Globalization, Catastrophizing, Permanence, Internalization, and Avoidance. We are going to discuss the first three in this post today.
Rigidity vs Flexibility. Rigidity demands certainty. Have you heard your child say “I have to know” or “things will never change”? These are two examples of rigid thinking. When we hear extreme language (always, never, everyone, no one) our parental antennas need to be on high alert. Helping your child change their language to “I don’t know what will happen” and “it is hard to change” can make a huge impact. The most important thing that parents can do is to model flexibility. When a situation comes up where you may have a rigid response, talk out loud to your child. “I am not sure what will happen and I trust that I can handle it”. The focus is on tolerating the worry as opposed to trying to get rid of it. When you notice your child showing flexible thinking, point it out to them and reinforce it. It is hard as a parent to not jump in and fix the problem. It is imperative, though, that we do not focus on the content of the anxiety (i.e.: You don’t have to go to school today if you are anxious) and encourage the belief that they can tolerate the not knowing. Useful questions to ask to demonstrate flexibility include “Can you name a food you use to not like that now you do like” and “What is the name of a show that you loved but have now outgrown”. Look for opportunities to show and acknowledge flexible thinking and you will be ahead of the game on tackling anxiety.
Global vs Parts. Global thinking is what I call “or” thinking. It is seeing the world, and ourselves, as good or bad, right or wrong, same or different. Parts thinking is “and” thinking. It involves viewing situations, other people, and ourselves as parts of the whole. School can be stressful and fun. My friends can be mean and kind. My teacher is strict and understanding. Especially with Global Thinking, we need to watch out for the trap of diagnosis. It is important for young people to understand that they are not defined by their diagnosis. It is a part of who they are. It is not the whole of who they are. One way to help children understand parts is to talk about roles. To promote differentiation, help them to identify the roles that you have (parent, worker, sibling, son or daughter, choir singer, etc.) and then ask if they can tell you the roles that they have (child, student, sibling, karate champion, etc.). You can also work with them to break down a large task, such as cleaning their room, into smaller steps. This works really well with school work. Again, modeling is one of the most powerful tools that we have as parents. Look for opportunities to demonstrate and acknowledge Parts Thinking.
Catastrophic vs Problem Solving. Have you ever been so stuck in a problem that you cannot see the solution? Anxious kids often find themselves mired in painful emotions because of catastrophic or worst-case scenario thinking. Our brains are wired to have worry and fear. Treating anxiety is not about removing worry and fear. We have survived as a species because these emotions have encouraged us to seek safety. When our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls imagination, starts to spin a tale about the future, our alarm system (the Amygdala) goes off and cannot differentiate between real and imagined danger. Chemical messengers start to be sent throughout our bodies and we have a mental and physical reaction. Fear, worry, and the Amygdala are not going away. Treatment that focuses on eliminating these is not effective. Children and teens need to trust that they have the skills to manage crisis, or perceived crisis. One way to do this is to demote worry. Acknowledge that worry is a normal part of life. I often tell young people to imagine the most annoying teacher they have ever had and when worry shows up, think about it talking in that teacher’s voice. They often find this amusing and it aids in accepting that the thoughts exist without conflating worry with crisis. It also allows us to externalize the worry (more on that in the next blog post). Model active problem solving for your child. Though it may feel odd, talking out loud as you solve a problem is a great way to demonstrate for young people a skill that they can adapt. Trusting that they can solve or tolerate a problem if it arises can help move kids from being stuck to moving forward.
What about all those great coping skills like deep breathing and exercise? These are still incredibly effective ways to RESET and tolerate through an emotion. As long as the skills are not presented as ways to eliminate anxiety, they represent an opportunity to approach the situation more effectively.
There we are. Three ways to start helping your child or teen deal with their anxiety. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself adjusting some of your ways of thinking too.
Best,
The Nest